This is an 8-page zine– Folding instructions here
- Master ur daisy chain technique w/ ur friend who is a girl (SHE IS NOT UR GF!!!)
- Use ur dull pocketknife 2 whittle sticks n2 spikes with ur friend who is a boy (HE IS NOT UR BF!!!)
- When ur playing X-Men on the trampoline, insist on being Boy Storm™
- Make fun of ur sister’s Tiger Beat posters of JTT + Nick Carter while pretending ur dorky middle part is unrelated
- Enjoy Britney Spears’ music “bc she’s hot”
- Lie awake @ night wondering y God would give u the ability to think such sinful things
- Lie awake @ night wondering y a good God would create Hell if he actually loved us
- Determine that the prayers 2 keep u str8 must be working, as long as u don’t look 2 long @ ur friends n the pool
- Surround urself w/ the other outcasts bc u instinctively know ur different n some way that u can’t put ur finger on
- Start a sticker collection
- Wrestle w/ ur friends who always manage to win 4 sum reason
- Wonder what it is abt the older kid (who looks a bit like Alfred E. Newman) that makes u want 2 smile @ him so broadly
- Notice that his younger sister is almost 2 beautiful 2 look @ (despite her similarly Newmanesque features)
- “Go 2 bed early” on Saturdays 2 covertly listen 2 sum distant station’s dance remix hour, ur head resting on the speaker of ur clock radio 2 avoid parental detection
- Determine that it must b the Devil tempting u 2 get lost staring @ the gold chain delicately snaking thru the peach fuzz on the back of ur bully’s neck when he sits n front of u n math class
- Reaffirm that u MUST b str8, since the blood rushes 2 ur face (if not elsewhere) every time the goth girl’s top shifts enough 2 remind u of what surely must b jiggling n heaving sumptuously underneath
- Use string from ur kite collection 2 turn ur room n2 a massive spider web + def a fire hazard
- Let the chatty girls n first period “set u up” w/ a girl who has a crush on u bc the kinship w/ them feels just as warm n fuzzy as u might feel if u actually liked that other girl back
- Hope 2 learn the diff b/t romance + friendship
- Get oddly flustered every time a popular boy is vaguely nice 2 u
- Fall deeply n love w/ NE confident girl who is a just lil mean to u
- Blush out of more than embarrassment when NE boy picks on u
- Freak out a lil when it becomes clear that the smart, pretty cheerleader n ur grade has a thing 4 chubby nerdy guys
- Have tense exchanges w/ ur chubbier, nerdier competitive friend who is just as good @ exchanging inane but charming notes w/ said cheerleader
- Ultimately win over the affection of this cheerleader, but grow bored once ur friend isn’t involved + “dating” n middle school mostly involves passing notes + decoding unnecessary abbrvs
- Manage 2 remain a total dweeb despite pulling off PHAT rollerblade moves
- Fall head over heels 4 the tomboyish young woman who works @ the skate rink + dotes on u out of sympathy
- Fool no one when challenged by a bully 2 prove ur understanding of female anatomy (he was also very wrong)
- Nearly die from sexual tension while FFwding thru most of the 1st Titanic VHS w/ ur friend
- Take a couple of decades 2 truly sort it all out
30 Things To Do When You Don’t Yet Know You’re a Bisexual Boy from a Religious Southern Family in the 90’s: A Universal Experience © 2025 by Joseph Deans is licensed under CC BY-ND 4.0
Great Joy Collective 
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